All of my life I have carried a flaming faggot of hatred for mediocrity. It is the most tragic of human flaws. What is the point of living at all if in the passage of day to day living one fails to transcend? Humans have such potential, but squander it on the couch as eyes glaze over from too much football, basketball, Survivor, Next top model, Weather Channel.... My dim recollection of the Dickens I was force fed in high school and undergrad is that the greatest tragedy presents in the character whose best efforts fall short, the one who cannot succeed despite honest attempts. I suspect I am that Dickensian character. Of course this is my lament about grades. Nary an A to be found. I believed the hype. I believed myself to be a good writer. It was supposed to be my strongest skill and the one which upon which I would ride to a splendid carpet of merit scholarship and high academic ranking. All semester kudos flowed from the Legal Writing professor. Your writing is strong, well put, blah blah, except that where it actually mattered, I t*a*n*k*e*d. Not only did I not fail contracts, the class I don't understand and feel utterly inept in, it was my second best grade. Classes where I was expecting good performance: Torts, Crim Law and Legal Writing all provided execrable grades.
This is not the result I was hoping for. I assumed that I could make up for the very secondrateness of my school by doing well. I was wrong I have not done well. I have not distinguished myself. I have done the thing I hate the very most.
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5 comments:
I really do believe that grad school is the great leveller. It's difficult to continue achieving as consistently and as highly as you used to. I also believe exactly what Anu just said and have experienced it myself -- how you feel about the school and how you carry yourself and your affiliation speaks volumes to others about you as a person and as a job candidate.
On mediocrity, I completely understand where you're coming from. Personally, I have a real issue myself with feeling like unless I'm excellent at something there's *no point* in doing it. I think this fuels the impulses to hit five cities in six days rather than bop around one town at a leisurely pace, to drive like a warrior, to hyperschedule, to plan things down to the second in order to make them *perfection.* Etc. Some of this might sound familiar.
I'm nowhere near enlightened on this subject or even edging out of pot-kettle-black territory, but I have found that the times when I allow myself to *not* be the best at something, and give myself permission to focus on the feeling rather than the thinking in situations where I feel I *must* perform highly every time. It can be a very liberating experience, to give yourself permission to be, at least temporarily, middle of the road. This does not mean you're a mediocre person. But it's a helpful exercise. Try it first with stuff that's less high-stakes than grades, and work up to being at peace with a B. Because odds are, you're not going to win every case. You're not going to get every job you go for. And that's OK.
Treat yourself this weekend. I prescribe a Talking Heads dance marathon, a phone call to someone who always makes you smile, and a long bath.
Then hit the books, missy! (kidding!)
"I got a girlfriend, that's better than that! She does whatever she likes!"
EEK
EEK and monkey have said things better than I could.
I second them and add *hugs* to you, just because I can.
-mle
Your porchie agrees with the Talking Heads dance marathon. love and kisses from Jamaica. Wish you were here, but would we get our hair braided? Many offers.
Hee hee! Messages from the caribbean, do they have any Pirate rides? "Abandon Hope all Ye who enter here."
You'll be fine. Want to know how I know?
Back when I was in law school with D&T (we were in different classes), I had blah first year grades. Nothing special but not awful, just blech. I wasn't in the top 10% like my law review friends and I had no connections to help me get a job like my friends did.
My grades improved second and third years, but still not enough to get me in the top 10 percent. In May of my second year, I managed to eke out a summer clerkship at a mid-sized local firm, and spent the other half of the summer clerking for my favorite professor.
During third year I did not receive an offer from the firm where I clerked and I was feeling miserable about my prospects. Ultimately, I met a local attorney through the Trial Ad class I took, and she had recently opened her own boutique firm and offered me a job. Since it was my only option other than working at the mall, I took it.
I worked there for two years, learned a lot and lateralled into a much larger firm where I made partner one month before my 30th birthday. I am now a Vice Chair of the ABA's committee in my practice area and I have a kick-ass litigation practice in a firm I love.
Bottom line: don't worry about grades. Do your best and the rest will work itself out.
Jennifer
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